Say LFOB And Die

classic Classic list List threaded Threaded
12 messages Options
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Say LFOB And Die

Illyria
Administrator
http://filmgate.wikia.com/wiki/Say_LFOB_And_Die

Don't worry, you'll still get the Apocalypse sequel. Speaking of which, I've come up with an idea for the third one: the survivors go to Japan because they cremate all their dead: so they can't have zombies!
Donna: What happened? Do you want to talk about it? I have ice cream!

Harvey: It's 8.A.M.

Donna: Which is why God made Chunky Monkey. It has chocolate and bananas. Bananas are part of a healthy breakfast. And who cares about bananas? It has chocolate!...Okay, you caught me: I don't even eat the bananas.

--Donna and Harvey, "Suits".
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Mommy Guy
Administrator
Holy SHIIIIIIIIT. Nice reference, by the way.
Everybody get up it's time to slam now
 We got a real jam goin' down
 Welcome to the Space Jam
 Here's your chance do your dance at the Space Jam

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Illyria
Administrator
I only started this last night and it's nearly done! I'll post it soon.
Donna: What happened? Do you want to talk about it? I have ice cream!

Harvey: It's 8.A.M.

Donna: Which is why God made Chunky Monkey. It has chocolate and bananas. Bananas are part of a healthy breakfast. And who cares about bananas? It has chocolate!...Okay, you caught me: I don't even eat the bananas.

--Donna and Harvey, "Suits".
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Mommy Guy is too lazy to log in
I was thinking of making an animated version if LVTIZA.
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Illyria
Administrator
Cool! I have like one chapter left of SLAD (worst initials ever) to write. I'll be posting it tomorrow!
Donna: What happened? Do you want to talk about it? I have ice cream!

Harvey: It's 8.A.M.

Donna: Which is why God made Chunky Monkey. It has chocolate and bananas. Bananas are part of a healthy breakfast. And who cares about bananas? It has chocolate!...Okay, you caught me: I don't even eat the bananas.

--Donna and Harvey, "Suits".
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Mommy Guy
Administrator
I can't help but think of Say Cheese and Die, the first Goosebumbs book.
Everybody get up it's time to slam now
 We got a real jam goin' down
 Welcome to the Space Jam
 Here's your chance do your dance at the Space Jam

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Illyria
Administrator
"Hello?" Matthew Boyle said into the phone.

"Hello?"

"Yes?"

"Who is this?"

"This is Matthew. Who the hell are you?"

"A friend."

Matthew sighed and collapsed back on the sofa. The voice was impossibly dull, with little to no emotion. "Are you calling for my Dad? Cos he's not here."

"Oh no. That makes me so sad."

"Uncle John, is that you? Dad'll kill you if he knows you're doing this."

"What're you doing, Matthew?"

Matthew smiled, happy it was someone he knew. "Oh, just about to play some video game."

"Do you LIKE video games?"

"Of course. Don't you remember, John, you got me Fifa 12 for my birthday a while back."

"You're right, Matthew. You're uncle should remember that. Maybe I don't because: I'M NOT YOUR UNCLE."

Matthew sat bolt upright. "What?"

"I'm not your uncle. I'm from your Dad's work."

Matthew laughed. He had nearly had a heart attack. "I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"So what game are you playing?"

"Why do you care, 'guy from Dad's work'?"

"Because I want to know what game I'm watching."

Matthew froze. He felt a huge pang in his stomach. This guy wasn't from his dad's work. "What did you say?"

"I'm looking at you Matthew. Right now."

Matthew ran to the window, tears in his eyes. "What do you want?" he said in a small voice.

"To play a game. You like games, don't you?"

"Please," he cried. "Just leave me alone.."

"I will. If you can answer all three questions correctly... you get to live."

Matthew gasped. Tears stung his eyes. "Please..."

"Question One: What is the name of the successor to the Nintendo Wii?"

Matthew tried to answer, but his head was going crazy. Should he run, call the police, who was this person...?

"The clock is ticking--"

"THE WII U!!!" Matthew cried instantly.

"Very good! Now: what is the name of the latest Batman game?"

"I... Arkham Origins...?"

"Excellent, Matthew!"

"There, I-I've played the game, now please--"

"Wait! You still have one question left."

"Please, just LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Shhh," the robotic voice said soothingly. "It'll all be over after this. Now: what is the name of Professor Layton's assistant?"

Matthew's heart fell. "I... I don't know..."

"I'm sorry, Matthew. But it looks like you don't get to live after all..."

Matthew didn't wait. He ran for the front door, phone clutched tightly in his hand, but when his hand reached for the handle, a figure appeared in a flash. Short, in a black cloak, face covered in a patchwork mask, wielding a huge axe, swinging right for his head.

Matthew ducked, hearing the axe bury into the wall. He stepped back and threw the phone table into the masked invader's path, who stumbled over it and went sprawling. Matthew jumped over his head and swung the door open, ran down the garden, kept running--

but was stopped in his tracks by a pair of approaching headlights.

"Hey!" he yelled. "Wait! Stop, please, I need--"

But the car ran over Matthew and he died.

*

"Matthew's dead? That's... AWESOME!"

"I hardly think so." Cookie whispered to Leon across the classroom. "What I really wanna know is how the hell are we in the same school?"

"I don't know. Ciarán's the writer. But this is so cool! Quaintsville has its own serial killer, taunts you over the phone and everything!"

"Question Number Two: Why are we living in a place called Quaintsville?"

"Because shut up!" Ciarán hissed from behind her. "Now be quiet, the unnamed teacher is... oh he's asleep."

That he was. And since the classroom only consisted of Leon, Cookie Ciarán, Jack, Mike, ep, Nikolas and Eoin, they just opted to start talking.

"So who do you think it is?" Jack asked.

"Normally I'd say Matthew, but..." the friends murmured in agreement. "Listen, this chapter is just exposition and it's kind of lagging, so can we skip to the next one?"

And they did.

*

Leon sat impatiently on the sofa. His mother had gone to borrow milk from a neighbour, so until then, he had nothing to add the chocolate to. The paused TV screen bore into his very being. Bored...

The phone rang. He picked it up immediately. "Mum, if I don't have liquid chocolate in my body in thirty seconds--"

"Hello, Leon."

Leon sunk back onto the sofa. The killer had taunted Matthew over the phone...

"W-who are you?"

"You can call me Mr. Smith. Would you like to play a game? Since you're mother is out, you must be very bored."

"How do you know my mum is out?"

"Oh, I'm very up to date."

Leon stood up and strode to the window. "Can you see me right now?"

"Yes. I'll always know where you are. Well, you know what comes next: the questions."

Leon eyed his 3DS on the coffee table. If he could get to the Internet Browser in time--

"If you touch that stupid DS, I'll gut you like a fish!" the voice roared.

"Ok, ok!" Leon shrieked, sinking onto the sofa.

"Now, the questions. Number one: who was the developer of Heavy Rain?"

"Ummm... Quantic Dream?"

"Correct! Number Two: what is the name of the director of No More Heroes and Killer7?"

"Suda51!!!!"

"Very good! Now, the final question: what was the lifetime sales of the Nintendo GameCube?"

Leon's eyes widened. Oh God, he didn't know. "I-I-I... I don't--"

"Hey, they only had Superquinn brand, so--"

"AAAAAH!!!!" Leon shrieked, flying off the sofa. His mother was standing behind him, holding a carton of milk.

"Leon!" his Granny said, hobbling in after her. "What's the matter? Goodness, the second I get back from bingo, you give me a heart attack!"

Leon's phone vibrated in his hand. He unlocked it to find a text:

"You'll get the third question soon."

*

"Now do you think it's funny?" Ciarán said accusingly.

"Just for the record, I do." said Jack, appearing behind them as they entered the school.

"Oh yeah!" Leon said. "Nearly having your throat ripped open by a loon with a BB gun, it's hilarious!!!" He was seething, his voice dripping with sarcasm and venom. "Besides, the killer was probably right outside my door, he could easily go across the road to your house."

Ciarán raised an eyebrow. "You mean you haven't figured it out?"

"Since when did you become such a know-it-all?" Leon asked.

"You do KNOW Ciarán, don't you?" Jack whispered.

Ciarán continued after rolling his eyes and punching Jack. "You think it's coincidence that this 'Mr. Smith' was about to kill you the night after he killed Matthew? And with video game trivia? He's targeting us!"

Leon waded through a group of students to his locker. Ciarán and Jack popped from the sea of kids like corks from bottles and joined him a moment later. "If you figured this out, then why did your parents let you come to school?"

"Because they're off skiing."

"What?"

He shrugged. "Needed an excuse for them not being here."

"Well we should talk to the police."

"No."

"Why not?" Jack asked.

"Because then the focus would shift to them. And then I'd have to make Leon a police guy, and that's just unrealistic."

"Not as much as when we fought the zombie apocalypse." Leon pointed out.

Jack looked monumentally confused. "Uh, when did we--?"

"Hush, you." Ciarán hissed. "The point is, we're in a horror movie. Which means the killer is someone we know."

"Whatever," Leon said, opening his locker as the bell went. "I just wanna forget the whole--"

Leon screamed as the killer slammed against the locker, armed with a woodcutting axe. He fell to the floor as the axe readied to fly down, to cut him in two. He kicked Mr. Smith in the thigh, causing his leg to buckle. He scurried away backwards, scrambled to his feet and ran straight into Mr. Treeger, the school principal. He turned to see everyone looking down at Eoin, his own friend, dressed as the killer. Just to scare him.

"Eoin, you crapbag!" he yelled, striding up to him and riddling him with slaps. He was interrupted by Mr. Treeger's ferocious roar.

"EOIN! You get to detention right this instant! And the rest of you: go home. NOW!"

*

Eoin sat bored in detention. Well, it wasn't technically detention: he was sitting in an empty classroom. Mr. Treeger was yet to show up to yell his face off.

He didn't know why everyone was so mad. It was just a prank. Surely Leon wasn't mad. Well, maybe.

A shape caught his eye. A silhouette on the other side of the classroom door. The bald spot told him it was Mr. Treeger. But why was he just standing outside?

Hesitantly, Eoin got to his feet. He edged closer to the door and turned the handle.

"Sir?"

He swung the door open, and Mr. Treeger's corpse, with multiple stab wounds in his back, fell at his feet. Eoin was about to scream when the chair leg stuck out of his chest. He gasped, blood trickled from his lip, and he just got a glimpse of the real Mr. Smith before the blackness enveloped him.

*

Leon cursed silently as his DS died. He and his mother had been trapped in traffic for at least an hour. For a small town, Quaintsville was very busy, not to mention hard to navigate.

"Mum!" he moaned. "I was supposed to meet Nick like fifteen minutes ago!"

"It's a red light, Leon." she said. "There's this great thing called the law!"

"Look, it's green now! GO!"

"Don't yell at me!" but she turned the parking brake off anyway. But the car didn't move.

"What now?"

"The tyres aren't moving..."

Leon opened the car door, ignoring his mother's protests. The back tyres had been slashed. And the front tyres. The killer. Mr. Smith obviously wanted him here.

"Oh no." his mum muttered. "I forgot to lock the door..."

*

"Hello?" Nick said, pushing open Leon's front door. It was strange that it wasn't locked. Leon was supposed to be here for some pre-scheduled N64 fun. Nick wandered into the sitting room. No one.

The phone in the hall rang. Nick returned to the hall and picked it up. "Leon, you better have a good excuse for--"

"Hello, Nicolas. Is Leon there?"

Oh. Crap.

"Uh... no, he's... he's out..."

"Oh, that's a shame."

"So, I guess you can call back later--"

"Don't hang up on me!"

Nick threw the phone down into the receiver. He threw open the door, but gave a small sob when the phone rang again. Shaking, he picked it up again.

"Please--"

"I told you NOT to hang up on me!"

"Or else what?"

"Or else you're next on my list. You know what? Just for your rudeness, you can answer Leon's final question. What was the lifetime sales of the Nintendo GameCube?"

"I don't know, ok?! I'm not playing your game, you crapbag!"

Nick hung up, threw the phone off the table for good measure. He turned on his heel to run, but his mobile rang in his pocket instantly. Slowly, he lifted it out and put it to his ear.

"...hello?"

A second later, the kitchen door flew open and Mr. Smith bounded down the hall with his axe. Nick screamed and dived into the sitting room. He flung the coffee table over, spilling it's contents and causing Mr. Smith to stumble. Nick pushed the TV off its stand but didn't look back to see if it worked. He just darted for the kitchen. He hand wrapped around the handle of the back door, but it didn't budge. Locked. The killer kicked the kitchen door open and Nick propelled a chair across the room, slamming him against the counter. He ducked under his arm, through the door, jumped over the table and went for the front door, but Mr. Smith was behind him in a flash. The axe swung for Nick's neck, but Nick darted to the left, up the stairs. The axe sliced open his forearm, but continued on its journey and buried into the front door. Nick darted up the stairs, into Leon's room, ignoring Shadow and Chloe jumping at his sudden entrance. He tried to open the window, but it too was locked.

Trapped.

Mr. Smith entered the room. He was axeless, having abandoned it in the door.

"Now what?" Nicolas asked. "You don't have a weapon!"

Mr. Smith's masked face turned to Shadow and Chloe and, in his voice changer, said only two words:m

"Get him."

Shadow and Chloe pounced, and everything went dark.

*

"Cats?" ep asked. "Seriously?"

"Hey, Ciaran's the writer." Mike pointed out.

"Yeah, well you didn't find his corpse in your house." Leon said bitterly.

"On the bright side," ep said. "The school's closed down. Maybe it's because of those strikes."

"Or," Mike said. "It could be that a masked serial killer has murdered like 5 people, including the Principal."

"True. May also be a factor. But either way, everyone is getting their scary groove on, so I propose a horror movie marathon."

"I don't think I want to." Leon said. "You know, I almost got butchered. And the killer is still after me."

"Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't have invited everyone in this town in our age demographic already."

"Oh, how I hate you."

"Oh, how I know."

*

"You are incredibly stupid." Ciarán said.

"Gee, thanks." ep replied.

"Seriously," Ciarán continued, pushing past him into ep's house. "What idiot has a horror movie marathon in the middle of a series of killings?" ep's house was big, not to mention in the middle of nowhere. "Jesus, everybody from school is here." he said, pushing past a kid bounding for a bowl of pretzels. Right now, Neve Campbell was running from Ghostface in the first Scream movie, playing on the TV in the sitting room.

"You know, I actually haven't seen this one," Cookie observed, joining them at the bottom of the stairs.

"Her pervy boyfriend and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo did it," Mike said right behind her.

"Mike!" she moaned, pushing him away. "Make yourself useful, go get some more drinks from the garage."

"What am I, the beer wench?" Mike complained, but he headed for ep's garage nonetheless, though Ciarán distinctly heard him ask who had a garage in this town.

"Well, if you think we're all gonna get flayed alive, then why are you here?" ep asked.

"Because obviously the killer will strike here next. And I wanna avenge Eoin and Nick. And the drunk driver, maybe Matthew and, if I have time, Mr. Treeger."

"Fair enough. You go get yourself killed. Now if you'll excuse me: I am in need of some Doritos."

*

"If you touch that computer, I will bite your hand off," Leon hissed. Jack's hand slipped away from his keyboard silently.

They were together in Jack's house, alone. Granny was here, but she had to run home because she forgot to record MasterChef. Because watching some D-List celebrity sauté stuff was way more important than making sure your grandson didn't end up hung from a tree with his insides on the outside.

"So what do we do?" Jack moaned.

"I don't know. How about something we BOTH enjoy."

"...OR we could play Minecraft!"

"I'd rather slam a car door on my tongue. No, wait, scratch that: I'd rather slam a car door on YOUR tongue."

Leon's pocket vibrated. A text. Well, Mr. Smith didn't usually text...

Except this time he did.

"My my, those friends of yours at the party are in for a treat!"

"Oh crap..."

*

Mike tried to get the handle to the door that led back into ep's house, but his hands were full of drinks. He eventually lowered them to the floor and tugged at the handle, but the door had somehow locked behind him.

"Hey!" he yelled "I need some help here!"

There was a pounding coming through the walls. The partygoers had obviously given up on the movies and had started playing music. Mike was about to yell again when he heard the lock tumbling. Someone was unlocking the door.

The door swung open and Mike's mouth fell open at the sight of Mr. Smith with his trademark axe.

Mike yelled and scrambled back, but stumbled on one of the bottles on the floor. The glass shattered under his weight. Mike tripped and fell, but he didn't let that stop him: he grabbed one of the bottles and chucked it at Mr. Smith. It hit him in the sternum and exploded in a hail of glass and liquid. Mike turned and scrambled across the floor, towards the open garage door--

except it was now closed. But Mike couldn't stop. The cat flap was right there. He stuck his arms through and dragged himself through the frame, knowing he couldn't possibly--

Get. Stuck.

Crap.

Mike squirmed, but he was well and truly stuck. He closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable knife in his back. But it didn't come.

Instead, Mr. Smith pushed the button to raise the door.

Mike could hear the internal devices of the door starting to move. He was gonna end up like Tatum Riley, having his neck snapped when the door reached the top. He screamed as the door began to rise...

and fell back down again.

And rise...

and fall back down again.

Awkward silence. The door couldn't hold his weight.

He looked behind into the garage. Mr. Smith was scratching his head.

"Well," the distorted voice said. "This is embarrassing... Oh well, what the hell..."

He strode up to Mike and stabbed him a couple times. Then he died, so it was all good.

*

Ciarán pushed open the bedroom door. ep's parents were out of town. And at the worst possible time. The room was empty, the bed neatly made. The pounding music had stopped. The party guests were clearly leaving. Ciarán felt an eerie coldness close around him. He checked his watch: 9:30. Why would they be leaving this early?

He jumped, startled at the sound of a scream. It was coming from outside. What if the killer had struck?

The bedside table's phone began ringing. Ciarán went completely cold. Surely it was just ep's parents, maybe Leon... He picked it up and whispered "hello?"

"Hello, Ciarán."

"Oh, God..."

"Don't worry, Ciarán. I have faith you'll get through my game. You're a smart boy."

Ciarán tried to sound brave. "You're just flattering me because I write your dialogue."

It's true. I do.

"What, I can't give a complement? Come on, don't be a spoilsport! It'll just take a minute. Besides, I know you're a clever boy."

"Oh yeah? How?"

"Because you figured out that I was someone close to you."

"Who the hell is this?! What do you want?"

"Stop stalling. And put your mobile phone away."

Ciarán swore. He had been dialling the police on his mobile phone at the same time. "How did you know--?"

"I said PUT IT AWAY!"

"Ok, ok!" Ciarán obeyed and slipped the phone into his pocket, but not before pressing the dial button. The police were sure to investigate a call with no one on the other line.

"Question One: what is the default name of the protagonist in Mass Effect?"

"S-shepherd?"

"Very good! See, I told--"

"Just give me the next question, please." Ciarán said, faintly aware of a muffled voice asking what his emergency was from his pocket.

"Fine. What is the best selling console of all time?"

"PlayStation 2. Next."

"Um, uh, ok... what was voted the best tie-in game ever?"

Ciarán shrugged. "GoldenEye?"

"How... how did you know that?"

"I didn't, for sure. But every other tie-in sucks."

"That's... um..."

Ciarán smiled a bit. "I got them all right, didn't I? So now you can't kill me?"

"Well, I... you're forgetting about the... uh... oh, screw it, I'll just kill you anyway."

The bedroom door flew open and Mr. Smith bounded in, axe high. Ciarán ducked and heavy boots whacked against his skull but more importantly, Mr. Smith tripped over him and sprawled onto the bed, the axe ripping up the pillowcase. Ciarán didn't look back and ran out the door and down the landing, wound his hand around the banister and used it to propel himself down the stairs. There was no one inside, not a party guest, not ep, not Cookie, not Mike: no one to help him. But the front door was wide open. Ciarán ran down the lawn and turned down the street, running into pitch black with no one around. He turned and caught a glimpse of Mr. Smith's blur sprinting out the door. He turned again, and was stopped in his tracks by a police car, in the middle of the road with two dead police officers, one in the passenger seat and the other sprawled on the pavement. Ciarán would've screamed, but he was too out of breath. Instead, he jumped into the driver's seat. The keys were still there, so he just turned them and hit the gas. The car shot off like a rocket down the street. Ciarán didn't know how to drive, but he knew how to keep it going and change the direction. There was a dead body in the passenger seat, but he forced himself to ignore it. But something was brushing against his seat belt clip: a police handgun. He took it and lay it on his lap. It weighed a ton, but he was thankful to have it. Two figures appeared in the headlights, racing across the street. He went to slam the brakes--

Oh crap. WHICH ONE WAS THE BRAKES?

He looked up hurriedly, throwing his seatbelt across himself and fastening it. Two boys, one blond, the other a stick with stringy dark hair...

Jack and Leon. He always knew they would be the death of him.

"I hate you guys," he muttered, before he flung the steering wheel to the left.

*

Leon raced across the street towards ep's house, Jack at his side. But it was pitch black: he didn't know which house it was. He was thankful for a set of headlights lighting up the road. Then he realised the car, a police car, was heading straight for them. They both froze with fear...

But then the wheels turned, and the car broke open a gate. For some reason, ep's house was on a hill. The car drove down the rocky surface before falling onto the cliff it led to. After about a minute of falling off the cliff, it fell into a lake at the bottom. And blew up.

"Huh," Jack said. "Who do you think that was?"

Leon shrugged. "Some unimportant character we haven't met before. Come on, we need to get inside--"

"Leon?"

Leon whirled around. "Granny? What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't get MasterChef to record, and I saw you two leaving the house."

"Whatever. You better come inside."

"Why? Does your friend have MasterChef?"

Leon sighed. "Just come on."

The front door was wide open. Food and drink were littered everywhere. A faint screaming got nearer and nearer before Cookie ran from the kitchen, ep close behind.

"Mike!" she said. "They got Mike!"

"Really?" Jack asked.

"Yep." ep nodded. "He got Wes Craven-ed."

"Ok, let's do a count." Leon said. "Matthew, Nick, Eoin and Mike are dead--"

"Wait, where's Ciarán?"

Leon shrugged. "We'll assume he's dead too. So that means the killer is one of the four of us."

"Well it's not me!" Cookie said apprehensively. "I don't have a motive!"

"Well do any of us?" Jack pointed out.

"Oh, please," Cookie said, getting in Jack's face. "You haven't done anything this whole time! It's obviously you!"

"Oh, because you're such a central character?!" Jack yelled.

"Well, it can't be Leon," ep pointed out. "I mean, the protagonist turning out to be a killer? Only Ciarán would write that."

"But Ciarán IS writing this." Granny pointed it out. She was watching, utterly engrossed, like it was her regular soap opera.

"Oh, yeah..."

"That's awfully suspicious," Jack said. "You trying to make Leon innocent? For all we know, BOTH OF YOU are doing this!"

"Hey!"

"What I have to explore every avenue!"

"Yeah, except yourself!"

"Back off!"

"Make me, MR. SMITH!!!"

Granny cleared her throat. Everyone turned in time to see her holding a patchwork mask and taking an axe from her handbag.

"Is this a bad time?"

*

"Oh my God," Leon breathed. "Granny... YOU'RE MR. SMITH?!"

"Yes and no." she hissed.

"It all makes sense... you were right outside when I got called, you said you were at Bingo when Nick was murdered... but what doesn't make sense is why.

"Like I said. I am Mr. Smith. But I am NOT your Granny."

Jack, who had backed against the wall, spoke. "Uh, this would be a good time for an explanation."

"Fine. Let's face it: you kids are weird. Real weird. And in each and every universe parallel to this, you're still weird. Well, in one possible future, my future, you kids and your stupid antics lead to the apocalypse. Not the zombie apocalypse, the real apocalypse. I'm your Granny from that future. I was sent back to this point in time, into my past body, to eliminate you idiots. To ensure the survival of the human race."

Leon, ep, Jack and Cookie looked at each other. And burst out laughing.

"That is the worst excuse ever!" Cookie giggled.

"SHUT UP!" Granny yelled. They did, instantly. "Now would be a good time to save the future." Granny readied the axe.

"Uh, now would be a good time or RUNNING." ep pointed out.

It was. The four of them darted for the hall, but Granny was right behind them. She swung the axe into ep's hip. ep yelped and fell to the ground, but the other three didn't stop to see if he was dead. They ran for the kitchen, but Granny tackled them. She hit Cookie straight in the back and sent her sprawling down the stairs that led to the garage. Leon and Jack stumbled into the kitchen, slamming the door behind them.

"Call the police." Leon ordered. "NOW!" Either she was finishing off Cookie or ep or coming straight for them.

"Where's the phone?!" Jack yelled frantically. He was about to say something else, but then he gasped. Leon looked down to see a blade, possibly a letter opener, had pierced the door, straight into Jack's rib cage. Jack's T-Shirt began to drip red. He slid to the floor, leaving a streak of blood on the door. Granny pushed it open, shoving Jack out of the way. Leon backed against the counter, shrinking into the corner.

"So," Granny said, readying her axe. "How's this for an ending?"

"Worst. Ending. Ever!" Leon hissed, closing his eyes and bracing himself for death.

"Oh yeah?"

Leon opened his eyes. Standing in the frame of the back door was Ciarán, beaten and bloody with a limp arm, the other shaking with a gun pointed at Granny's head. "Well how's this for an ending? The plucky, no-it-all one, left for dead in the car wreck, survives, stumbles upon this crapbag, brings a gun and saves the day?"

"I like that ending." Leon agreed.

"You really wanna do that, blondie?" Granny hissed.

"Very, VERY much so."

Granny pounced on Ciarán, knocking his arm away from her. Ciarán panicked and fired off a round, shooting the light bulb, which exploded in a shower of sparks. The gun slid across the floor as Granny and Ciarán went down, Granny on top clawing at his face. Leon dove across the floor and grabbed the pistol, scrambled to his feet and pointed it at the back of his Grandmother's head.

"Get off of him now or I blow your frickin' head off!"

Granny froze. She stood up and turned around, facing Leon, her face savage. In the distance, Leon was faintly aware of police sirens.

"You know?" Granny said. "I really rather hate children."

*

Granny woke up in her hospital bed. She wasn't handcuffed, but there was an armed guard at the door, but he went down with a bedside table to the head. She wandered down the hallway, pillow in hand, thankful no one was around.

She found Leon, sleeping peacefully in a room down the hall. No security. Nothing. What a mistake.

Granny out the pillow on Leon's face and pushed.

Slowly, Leon began to stir. Then he began thrashing as the pillow suffocated him, clawing desperately, trying to get it off, but it didn't budge. Granny was faintly aware of yelling behind her. A second later, the Cookie girl appeared, her arm in a sling, and began beating at Granny's arms, screaming. But too late: Leon stopped thrashing.

Granny didn't even care when the police handcuffed her. She was just glad when she heard Leon flatline. The future was safe, now Leon couldn't destroy everything.

Her mission was done.

*

"Well this sucks." Jack said.

"Of course it does." Cookie said through her swelled lip. "It's Leon's grave."

None of them understood why Leon's parents opted to bury him on a hill in the middle of nowhere. Granny missed  Jack's vital organs, but he was limping; Cookie had a dislocated shoulder and a bruised face; Ciarán had a twisted knee and a fractured cheekbone, and Jack had been pushing him in a wheelchair for a week; ep was still in hospital with a few broken ribs.

"Well we can't stay here forever." Ciarán said. "We have to leave for camp soon." All four had signed up for a retreat to deal with their trauma. The camp was on all summer at Murderless Lake. They were strangely unfazed by the rumours of several murders in the last 100 years.

They each gave a small goodbye to their beloved friend, and left him as the sun set.

*

The weather was bad.

That night, a storm was brewing. Thunder could be heard for miles around. No one was around Leon Fox O'Brien's grave. But at midnight exactly, lightning struck. Right in the centre of Quaintsville Hill.

Right into Leon Fox O'Brien's grave.

TO BE CONTINUED IN...

LFOB KNOWS WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

2014...
Donna: What happened? Do you want to talk about it? I have ice cream!

Harvey: It's 8.A.M.

Donna: Which is why God made Chunky Monkey. It has chocolate and bananas. Bananas are part of a healthy breakfast. And who cares about bananas? It has chocolate!...Okay, you caught me: I don't even eat the bananas.

--Donna and Harvey, "Suits".
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Mommy Guy
Administrator
I read up to the part where Mr. Creepymanguy appeared at Matthew's door when I realised this was the full thing, I'm gonna read it tonight.
Everybody get up it's time to slam now
 We got a real jam goin' down
 Welcome to the Space Jam
 Here's your chance do your dance at the Space Jam

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Mommy Guy
Administrator
I WANT MORRRREEEEEE

I preferred LVTIZA but this was still awesome.
Everybody get up it's time to slam now
 We got a real jam goin' down
 Welcome to the Space Jam
 Here's your chance do your dance at the Space Jam

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Illyria
Administrator
Thanks. I wrote it in like 3 days, so I'm glad it's not too crap. Here's how the releases will hopefully play out:

LFOB of the Living Dead

LFOB Knows What You Did Last Summer

Untitled Third Apocalypse book

Which will all lead into: LFOB Destroys the World
Donna: What happened? Do you want to talk about it? I have ice cream!

Harvey: It's 8.A.M.

Donna: Which is why God made Chunky Monkey. It has chocolate and bananas. Bananas are part of a healthy breakfast. And who cares about bananas? It has chocolate!...Okay, you caught me: I don't even eat the bananas.

--Donna and Harvey, "Suits".
Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Mommy Guy
Administrator
That final title is a little anti-climatic.
Everybody get up it's time to slam now
 We got a real jam goin' down
 Welcome to the Space Jam
 Here's your chance do your dance at the Space Jam

Reply | Threaded
Open this post in threaded view
|

Re: Say LFOB And Die

Illyria
Administrator
Meh, it's just a tentative title (temporary)
Donna: What happened? Do you want to talk about it? I have ice cream!

Harvey: It's 8.A.M.

Donna: Which is why God made Chunky Monkey. It has chocolate and bananas. Bananas are part of a healthy breakfast. And who cares about bananas? It has chocolate!...Okay, you caught me: I don't even eat the bananas.

--Donna and Harvey, "Suits".